Nothing touches you like your first love. You start spending some time together again and wonder why it ever ended. New lovers come across so demanding, work. As though your relationship is purely this workhorse of facades and impressions that allow you to be together.

My first love,

You know who you are, and I will never forget you, so eccentric yet so beautiful in your uniqueness. I will never forget those flower pants or that dresser covered with hipster glasses. Oh, and I can’t forget those crocheted beanies. Remember all the times that we sat for coffee? I feel like crying… I still hold those moments dear. We sit together now, and I feel washed away into an ocean where each current sweeps me to the new depths that I never knew. My love, you never grow old.

Sorry I left you. As I drove away, I realized just how much I would miss you. I already did. But honestly, that feeling eventually withered as roses approach autumn. Damn those teasers, the times I snuck away from my new relationship to say hello. I’d toss a flirty gesture here and loving nudge there. Boy, were those escapades tiring, pushing me away from my love for you.

Something has changed now, though. A rekindled flame, but why? I love you. Yes, I do. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I want to explore you even more, my love, but I can’t be tied to you though. Everyone tells me I need to experience others. “There are more fanciful others out there,” they say. “You are still young after all.” Sadly, I know they’re right. I’ve met the others. I won’t lie. I’ve felt for them too.

Sorry.

Please, don’t call me a whore, prostitute, gigolo, or whatever. I need to find myself. When I met that francophone, I already felt challenged. I felt as though I lost myself. So foreign, but that’s all it was, a challenge, and perhaps that’s all I fell for. Well, it was strengthening to say in the least. “À bientôt,” I said waving farewell.

It has become so easy to be away from you, yet every time I spend time with you once again, you sweep me off my feet and I gaze upon what I have always loved from the start. Our day today reminded me that you are always there, and my love for you will never simmer. You reaffirm me that I can always say, “I love you,” and your feelings never change. Thank you.

I feel so comfortable around you, but I wonder, “Why you?” You’re not perfect by any means. Sorry, but it seems like you’re more sad than anything. We sit and watch the rainfall, but then there’s that spark of joy. Man, I love those, but… they’re so temperamental yet… so beautiful. You, you’re beautiful. You’re beautiful because I know you. The others, when I see their sadness, it leaves me longing for more time with you. They’re like a mere appetizer of all we’ve gone through. Oh! Like those samples at Costco we’d always get. Remember those? We always wanted to buy the whole box and bring it back to my place. I guess I can’t lie that I love your familiarity. It just makes me feel so at home when I’m around you.

Sadly, though, we have to part. This isn’t a letter to tell you that I hate you, to scorn you in any way. My feelings for you are indeed alive and well. I just… I just have to move forward. The others, yes, I will be seeing them, maybe that francophone once more. In the mean time, know I’m not over you. They’re preparation so that I can be the best man I can be, but if part of becoming a better man, one takes my heart, I’m sorry. Know you will always be my first love.

To forever my first love,

Sean